We all know what's good for us (or not so good) but...
Holding boundaries is hard, especially when they’re being tested all the time (just ask a parent). The trouble is: failing to hold them is harder (just ask me about all the unwanted sex that I consented to). With codependent TV shows and love songs (in a culture that gets-off on making women feel weak -and then guilty for being so), and in a world that profits off of every excess dollar spent, my boundaries have been tested by all kinds of BS, including the idea that the assertion of my boundaries is rude, inflexible, controlling, or bitchy. I’ve been asked to be nice ALL the time. But no matter how hard I’ve tried to appease, I’ve always been the one to pay the price for giving my boundaries up.
The Problem is: Denying our boundaries has major consequences.
Yeast infections. Constipation. Anxiety. Depression. Hopelessness. IBS. Irrational blow-outs. All debt for every time I’ve sacrificed what felt right. You see- when we surrender our boundaries, we begin to weaken everywhere. I've watched myself become an uncontrollable cookie-monster. A screen addict. An alcoholic. A pleasure-seeking ghost with less and less pleasure every time.
Unfortunately, this kind of behavior was responding to the trauma of having my boundaries broken against my will at a young age. The confusion that occurs as a result of having our boundaries broken against our will (such as survivors of rape, or violence, or folks who's home was taken from them, or folks who were enslaved, or anyone who has family that's been raped, abused, stolen from, or enslaved...) has made us prime targets for addiction.
Getting raped broke my boundary bone. In the fall-out, I've become my own perpetrator.
Here’s the scene:
Me: (grumbling with my hands on my tummy) I don’t feel so good.
My body: Maybe 1 box of cookies is enough.
Me: (pumping a righteous fist in the air) YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
[Aside: Damn. That’s what HE said.]
End Scene.
I remember watching my hand go towards the third rice crispy treat like something had possessed me. Even as I was so full, even as my body was so sick, even as so much of me didn’t want to eat any more, I still watched my hand put more of those buttery, crispy, marshmallows into my mouth. Every swallow reinforced my powerlessness.
I remember all the lube I applied to my clearly un-aroused state. No one was forcing me, but I really didn't want it. Every thrust dissolved a little more self-respect.
There are so many accounts of times when I walked all over my own boundaries. Maybe to avoid hurting some one else's feelings. Maybe to avoid hurting my feelings. Maybe I was sacred of the possible consequences. But, surrendering my boundaries has always caused consequences worse than those imagined. It's a downward spiral.To feel better again I've reached even more for of something to make the shame and feeling of powerlessness go away, often at the cost of my overall wellbeing.
So how'd I break the cycle? Initially, I can't take much credit. Overtime, my body wasn’t taking that crap anymore. Eventually my basic functions started shutting down: I couldn’t sleep. Digest. I had no sex drive. I had no energy and didn’t want to live any more. I had a choice: keep denying what feels right, or die.
Finding, and holding, my boundaries is what saved my life.
Whether we like it or not, life requires boundaries of us. First with ourselves. Then with others. Initially, it's feels scary as boundaries always come with consequences: maybe someone we love feels hurt. Maybe we loose our job. Whatever it is that we have to sacrifice for our self-respect, it's always worth it. I'd give up the 5 minutes of sugar-high any day for a body that knows how to digest.
Thanks to a good ole’ FUCK NO, my body is healthy. My life is on purpose. And I’m grateful to be alive.
Of course, it's been a process. As soon as I set a boundary, it’s tested again and again and again. Temptation is a fox. It doesn't want you to notice it -and it's gonna relentlessly try to trick you in every direction. It's bloody persistent. That's why boundaries aren’t gentle things. They are hard, inflexible and vigilant. Soft boundaries are weak boundaries. To reclaim my power, I've had to make peace with my own inner drill-sergeant (which has been tricky for one who's spent so much of my life promoting flexibility and sweetness...).
Of course, if a boundary is broken where I have been weak, compassionate forgiveness is needed, but let’s not abuse it that kindness. Instead, let's make strengthening boundaries a JOY.
With tools, practices, and community to support us, the dance between temptation and empowerment can be a play.
Let's Take Our Power Back, Together.
Holding boundaries is hard, especially when they’re being tested all the time (just ask a parent). The trouble is: failing to hold them is harder (just ask me about all the unwanted sex that I consented to). With codependent TV shows and love songs (in a culture that gets-off on making women feel weak -and then guilty for being so), and in a world that profits off of every excess dollar spent, my boundaries have been tested by all kinds of BS, including the idea that the assertion of my boundaries is rude, inflexible, controlling, or bitchy. I’ve been asked to be nice ALL the time. But no matter how hard I’ve tried to appease, I’ve always been the one to pay the price for giving my boundaries up.
The Problem is: Denying our boundaries has major consequences.
Yeast infections. Constipation. Anxiety. Depression. Hopelessness. IBS. Irrational blow-outs. All debt for every time I’ve sacrificed what felt right. You see- when we surrender our boundaries, we begin to weaken everywhere. I've watched myself become an uncontrollable cookie-monster. A screen addict. An alcoholic. A pleasure-seeking ghost with less and less pleasure every time.
Unfortunately, this kind of behavior was responding to the trauma of having my boundaries broken against my will at a young age. The confusion that occurs as a result of having our boundaries broken against our will (such as survivors of rape, or violence, or folks who's home was taken from them, or folks who were enslaved, or anyone who has family that's been raped, abused, stolen from, or enslaved...) has made us prime targets for addiction.
Getting raped broke my boundary bone. In the fall-out, I've become my own perpetrator.
Here’s the scene:
Me: (grumbling with my hands on my tummy) I don’t feel so good.
My body: Maybe 1 box of cookies is enough.
Me: (pumping a righteous fist in the air) YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
[Aside: Damn. That’s what HE said.]
End Scene.
I remember watching my hand go towards the third rice crispy treat like something had possessed me. Even as I was so full, even as my body was so sick, even as so much of me didn’t want to eat any more, I still watched my hand put more of those buttery, crispy, marshmallows into my mouth. Every swallow reinforced my powerlessness.
I remember all the lube I applied to my clearly un-aroused state. No one was forcing me, but I really didn't want it. Every thrust dissolved a little more self-respect.
There are so many accounts of times when I walked all over my own boundaries. Maybe to avoid hurting some one else's feelings. Maybe to avoid hurting my feelings. Maybe I was sacred of the possible consequences. But, surrendering my boundaries has always caused consequences worse than those imagined. It's a downward spiral.To feel better again I've reached even more for of something to make the shame and feeling of powerlessness go away, often at the cost of my overall wellbeing.
So how'd I break the cycle? Initially, I can't take much credit. Overtime, my body wasn’t taking that crap anymore. Eventually my basic functions started shutting down: I couldn’t sleep. Digest. I had no sex drive. I had no energy and didn’t want to live any more. I had a choice: keep denying what feels right, or die.
Finding, and holding, my boundaries is what saved my life.
Whether we like it or not, life requires boundaries of us. First with ourselves. Then with others. Initially, it's feels scary as boundaries always come with consequences: maybe someone we love feels hurt. Maybe we loose our job. Whatever it is that we have to sacrifice for our self-respect, it's always worth it. I'd give up the 5 minutes of sugar-high any day for a body that knows how to digest.
Thanks to a good ole’ FUCK NO, my body is healthy. My life is on purpose. And I’m grateful to be alive.
Of course, it's been a process. As soon as I set a boundary, it’s tested again and again and again. Temptation is a fox. It doesn't want you to notice it -and it's gonna relentlessly try to trick you in every direction. It's bloody persistent. That's why boundaries aren’t gentle things. They are hard, inflexible and vigilant. Soft boundaries are weak boundaries. To reclaim my power, I've had to make peace with my own inner drill-sergeant (which has been tricky for one who's spent so much of my life promoting flexibility and sweetness...).
Of course, if a boundary is broken where I have been weak, compassionate forgiveness is needed, but let’s not abuse it that kindness. Instead, let's make strengthening boundaries a JOY.
With tools, practices, and community to support us, the dance between temptation and empowerment can be a play.
Let's Take Our Power Back, Together.
In the BUILDING BOUNDARIES 40-Day Challenge,
you'll identify & hold boundaries in a way that’s playful, inspiring, & full of love.
I’ll share the tools that I’ve developed to mend and maintain my boundaries
with a sweet fierceness.
Whether you stand up to SUGAR, SEX, SCREENS, SMOKES, SHOTS
(or whatever's got you in a YES that you don't really mean)
within a community of Boundary Builders,
we’ll support each other in reclaiming our power.
It doesn’t have to be forever. But, after 40-Days, you might be happy for it to be.
Click on the Link for a FREE Assessment of Your Boundaries
to begin taking inner inventory of where you've given your power up. The Building Boundaries 40-Day Challenge to Take Your Power Back starts by taking a hard, and compassionate, look at yourself.
you'll identify & hold boundaries in a way that’s playful, inspiring, & full of love.
I’ll share the tools that I’ve developed to mend and maintain my boundaries
with a sweet fierceness.
Whether you stand up to SUGAR, SEX, SCREENS, SMOKES, SHOTS
(or whatever's got you in a YES that you don't really mean)
within a community of Boundary Builders,
we’ll support each other in reclaiming our power.
It doesn’t have to be forever. But, after 40-Days, you might be happy for it to be.
Click on the Link for a FREE Assessment of Your Boundaries
to begin taking inner inventory of where you've given your power up. The Building Boundaries 40-Day Challenge to Take Your Power Back starts by taking a hard, and compassionate, look at yourself.